Mood #1
Rosa, 26. Mood: let’s do this shit.How do you feel? A question I never had an answer to in the past and one I’m slowly learning how to answer in the present. Before you’d get an ‘I don’t know’ if you were lucky or a blanket ‘shit’ to cover all possible bases for the numbness inside. Numbness that felt safer and more manageable than the (small t) trauma underneath. Numb to the bad but also numb to all the good. Ten+ years of swinging from feeling nothing - I once compared it to being a cardboard cutout - to feeling so intensely dark that nothingness was, of course, my preferable option. But … numb to all the good.
And there is so much good.
Before I was scared of feeling. I thought my thoughts were right and my feelings were wrong. But ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, I’m learning, really can’t apply to our state of being. It just is and I just am. Whatever state, whatever thought, whatever feeling - it is all right. It just may not be true.
So how do I feel?
Calm. Terrified. Euphoric. Peaceful. Reborn. Hopeful. Guilty. Ashamed. Exposed. Full of regret. Ready.
But I’d take it all over feeling like a cardboard cutout ever again.